Monday, July 14, 2008

Why is this so hard???

So weight isn't exactly something that is new to my brian but it is something that I keep thinking about lately. I think I have spent as long as I can remember concerned about my weight and body size. I've never been someone who wanted to be a size 4 but I just want to be healthy with curves. I think I was probably as close to ideal as possible back my senior year of high school, although I thought I was a whale. I'm so mad at myself for that.

It only got worse when I went away to school and had complete control over my shopping and life. I went a little crazy. So it makes complete sense to me that the the amount of calories going in needs to be less than the amount going out in order to lose weight. In that sense, its easy. Heres what I've learned. I lost 70 pounds while Ty was in Iraq and the 6 months after and it was definantly hard. sense then I have gained some of that back but definantly not all of it and now I am so over whelmed with kick starting my health again.

I know that I am completely capable of losing weight, its my brain!!! I am somewhat of an obsesive person. When I am focused and watching what I eat, all I can do is think about food!!! I don't understand! This is where my will power fails me. There is nothing wrong with me, I am completely able to lose weight, I keep screwing myself up!!!! I'm so mad about it! I have always had a bad relationship with food. I would hide it, or gourge on it, and even eat something that I don't nessescarily like just because I could. I remember eatting sugar cubes and even, this is embaressing, equal packets as a kid because no one was looking.

I have lost some weight in the past and I never told anyone I was doing it until they noticed it for themselves. For some reason, that has always been really hard for me. I know I'm fat (I'm not being mean, I'm just really comfortable with using that word. It is what it is) and I know other people can see that so why am I so scared to admit that I am actively working on it? I guess I never wanted anyone looking at me thinking "she shouldn't be eatting that on her diet" or "she looks like she gained weight" or just judging me. I am struggling with that A LOT just writting this. So I am embarking on changing my health again and I decided I need to share it so that maybe I will hold myself more accountable if people know.

I don't post this because I am looking for advice or fishing for compliments/symphthys or anything, its becasue I need too. So here is the plan:
1.I will be doing the couch to 5k program x3 which means that I will follwing the program but do each week 3 times sense I am not nearly in shape. I have always wanted to loving running so I am going to go for it and take it slowly.
2. I don't know why this one is so hard for me but for some reason I feel inclined to gaurd this with my life. So here goes, I signed up for weight watchers online.

So knowing this, please don't look at me differently or judge me. I know this doesn't show much faith in my fellow man, but I'm working on it.

8 comments:

Andie said...

Telling people that you are trying to maintain a healthy lifestyle is a really useful tool. It does make you more accountable, in a sense, but mostly it gives you access to people who love you and want to cheer you on (like me!).

When I was losing weight I had some awesome cheerleaders who mentored me through. Weight Watchers is an awesome tool to connect with people who've been there.

It sound cliche to say "I know what you're going through" but I really do because I've been there too. I can completely empathize with that roller coaster, emotional relationship with food. I never wanted to tell anyone about my efforts either because I was afraid of being seen as a failure if I gained back the weight.

That you are taking proactive steps to better your health is a really great thing. Good for you! Unfortunately my running days are probably over, but call me anytime you want to go for a walk!

The Millers said...

I think it's awesome that you have a plan...that's the first step! And I totally agree that telling people makes you feel more accountable...but not in a bad "oh my gosh, they're judging me" way.

Just for the record, I do Weight Watchers too...I love it. Actually, I'm kinda obsessed with it. (I lost almost 40 pounds after I had Levi using WW and I'm shooting for that plus some this time around.) For me, going to the meetings is SO helpful, but I definately love eTools too, and use it on a daily basis. You should try coming to a meeting with me once to see if you'd like it (you can try one for free). Seriously, in my opinion, it's the best 40 bucks a month that we spend!

I am so excited for you and the journey you're embarking on! Please know that that I am SO behind you! And, if nothing else, know that I love you and you can call on me anytime for support!

Nicole said...

Add me to your list of supporters too! We live super close and I would be more than happy to come and go on walks and eventually runs with you once in a while.

The Blairs said...

I want in! (well, as soon as I get this baby out!) I have been thinking about doing WW too. So let me know how you like it. I really know nothing about that program. But i need help too. I was struggling before i got pregnant and you have helped motivate me to try again.. At least eat healthier if i cant exercise right now. Thanks buddy!

molly and geoff archibald said...

Hello--you will get no empty sympathy or fished-for compliments here! I am proud of you for shouting your healthy intentions out into the universe, but mostly I'm proud that you're one of those people who will back up what they say they're going to do--this is something that is obvious both in the way you attacked your weight/health goals in the past, and in your willingness to get back up on your feet when life gets in the way for a while. So keep us all posted on your progress, and let us know what we can do to be supportive! -molly
p.s. i'm totally joining weight watchers as soon as i get this baby outta me. i will probably call you and have you explain how to do it so i don't end up using all my points for ice cream. :)

Kristen said...

Audrey, we need to talk! I have been going to the gym and running for 2 years consistently, however I am 5 pounds heavier this summer than last year, why... because I love to eat, I love food. I use to be able to eat whatever I wanted and stay small. It is hard for some of us, and some people never know, just how hard! A food journal is what is helping me now, which WW will have the same premise. Andie also uses this as a tool. There is so much more I want to talk about... so we will have to chat!

Ty & Audrey said...

Thanks guys. You have all just made me feel so much better about being honest. You may have just restored my faith in my fellow (wo)man:)

Andersen said...

Auds,
That was very touching to me. I am so excited that you want to be more healthy and make changes. I know who you are and the desire you have. When you have an issue you aren't scared to come out and say it and confront it. I want you to know that I don't know what you are going through with your desire to loose weight and be more healthy. I do know that I look up to you so much with how you deal with anything. You have such a desire and drive to become a better person. You are such a great example to us. We support you %100 with all you do.